Between tolerance and acceptance

Identifying as monogamous, I continue to have difficulties accepting my partner as polyamorous and all the life changes our relationship brings for me. One thing is clear to me. I don’t want to merely tolerate my partner being with others. There is a sense of negativity in tolerance, as when we tolerate, we grudgingly let something or someone come into our lives. Knowing that there is nothing that we can do to stop or change the situation, we still remain hopeful for someday, maybe… My objective is to find acceptance and ultimately joy in my partners happiness with others. Therapies have been developed to teach us acceptance and numerous self-help books can be found to guide us to acceptance. So.. Read More

How changing our lens changes our decisions

Our lens of capabilities When deciding on whether to enter a new adventure, job, hobby, or a new relationship, it’s common to focus on the question: can I do this? With secondary questions like “Am I suitable?”, “Does this fit me?”, “Am I good enough, pretty enough, smart enough?” This results in thinking about decisions through a lens of capabilities; a lens that focusses on what we have to offer, or think we have to offer, at a given point in time. When looking through this lens, some capabilities will always be out of focus. They’re the capabilities that we are still learning, the capabilities we’re just not very good at, yet. We might feel like we are not the best promoters, networkers, or.. Read More

On saying ‘I love you’

Receiving love and appreciation makes us feel valued as a human being, part of society. These feelings bring out the best in us. A lack of these feelings or worse, a feeling of rejection or austerity brings out the worst. We have nothing to lose. Spreading love and appreciation benefits our society. But how do we show love, when we don’t feel it or wouldn’t call it love. And do we have to? Is it enough to show what we feel: friendship, understanding, caring and wishing the best, even wishing one love? I’m an introvert, I’m Dutch. I grew up in a family where affection was hardly shown and “I love you” was not said. Ever. StilI, I felt cared.. Read More

9 reasons for choosing polyamory

There are many things I want to share here, but this first topic is important to me. I’m documenting it as a reminder: My motivations for choosing to be in a mono-poly relationship to begin with. My motivations are important because they reflect my beliefs and beliefs are my rock. They’re what I hold onto when thoughts and feelings tell me to run away. Consider this quote: “Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.”   Mahatma Gandhi 1. I’m strong and independent From my experience so far, a mono-poly relationship (and for that matter other models where you.. Read More